Perfection in an Easy Aerosol Spray

How to make a Pitchfork certified album.

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 01:50:11 GMT

After recently listening to an album by Real Estate, and Veckatimist by a band with a bassist with a suspiciously familiar name I think I've deduced how to make the perfect Pitchfork certified album.

Step 1: Grow a beard. If you don't have a beard, you're not going to get a Best New Music designation on Pitchfork. It is statistically proven that all acclaimed music on Pitchfork is made by people with beards. So get growing.

Step 2: Ruin your recording equipment. It's called lo-fi, baby. If it sounds like it's made on something broken, it gets higher points. That's just how it is.

Step 3: Find some instruments. It is preferred if you record with instruments nobody has ever heard of. It's edgy. Also don't bother learning how to play them, it's unnecessary.

Step 4: Include the word "psychedelic" somewhere in your music description. Pitchfork editors get aroused by typing the word psychedelic. Don't worry, they actually don't know what it means, so play whatever you want.

Step 5: Record music so bland nobody can actually remember what it sounds like. If you've said you're psychedelic and have funny instruments, Pitchfork editors will be falling over themselves to give you a positive review. If it's forgettable, nobody can remember that it's actually not that good. With psychedelic in the descriptor and a beard in the band photo, they'll just assume it's brilliant.

Step 6: Bask in the Pabst Blue Ribbon corporate sponsorship and Twilight soundtrack opportunities, you've made it!

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 03:48:43 GMT

Here's a question, has there ever been a remix album that didn't make the majority of the songs significantly worse? This post inspired by Tanto Tempo Remixes, by Bebel Gilberto.

I listen to Bebel Gilberto because I am lightly obsessed with Brazil for some reason. For some reason they're quite good at entertainment.

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 06:13:10 GMT

One of the strange things about MaR is that I do the entries often well in advance (I'm up to December 1 right now, will likely do a couple more this weekend) so when something really bugs me - or impresses me - I find it annoying to not really say anything until the day of the update. While I might want to tell the world who I have decided is the worst working director today (the answer will likely not surprise you) I can't help but think I'll spoil the surprise when they actually show up on the thing.

I am quite glad I have no idea if anyone reads it. I'm not sure if I'd be terrified that other people do or disappointed that nobody else does. Ah well, I just do it for my own fun.

Pitchforks drawn

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 04:33:52 GMT

Why do I still visit Pitchfork? Their reviews are completely incomprehensible, and they keep trying make really bad albums catch on for some reason - Nouns by No Age, a rare album which had me exclaiming "Wow, this is really bad, I can't believe how bad this." while listening to it. I can't think of a single thing in my life that has been enhanced by Pitchfork - and several things that have been made worse, like the minutes spent listening to the aforementioned album. So why on earth do I keep going there? Explain this to me!

To end on a positive note, I sure do like the Wainwrights. Rufus, Martha, Loudon III, all for different reasons, but I like 'em all.

I think I have anxiety problems

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 06:21:30 GMT

I notice this, I have this strange issue where I'll do something mildly stupid - or even not stupid at all - and I'll be filled with inexplicable anxiety over the situation. Or, in some cases, I dread something to an inexplicable degree which causes me to procrastinate and avoid the situation. Even worse, tonight I had the two problems combined in a big mess, involving an interview that I was ill prepared for with some people I very much didn't want to offend. It went much worse in my mind than it did in reality, but I'm finding it very difficult to get to sleep and get over it.

It's really annoying.

I like funkadelic

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 06:29:40 GMT

"Butt-to-butt resuscitation."

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 23:07:38 GMT

Since I feel like making yet another one line MaR preview post, on Tuesday I stumble around talking about a famous musician! In a post that might make me look a lot more reverent than I actually am! And I say mean things about hipsters.

A lapse in professionalism

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:03:08 GMT

For the first time ever, there has been a MaR movie that I was completely unable to sit through, in fact I bailed remarkably early. Find out what it is on Friday!

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 04:57:20 GMT

I love Charlotte Gainsbourg's 5:55. It is brilliant. It also mentions Saskatchewan in passing! But it's mostly just brilliant.

The difference between great and shit.

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 00:00:09 GMT

Great: David Bowie and Queen, Under Pressure.

Shit: My Chemical Romance, same song

Sparkly Vampires: Papercut Saga part 2

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 23:22:13 GMT

So the track list I mentioned the other day has been revealed, and it's got new material from Thom Yorke, a remix from Muse, a hilariously shitty Death Cab song, and a bunch of other stuff by bands of varying degrees of good.

I don't want to have the soundtrack to sparkly vampires on my computer! But I'll have to because some of the songs could be good.

Except for the Death Cab one, that one sounds monumentally shitty.

Sparkly Vampires: Papercut Saga

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 18:40:43 GMT

I'm confused, why are legitimately good bands (Muse, Radiohead) doing stuff for the sparkly vampire papercut movie? I mean, Death Cab For Cutie, sure, I can understand that, teenage girls are their fanbase, but Radiohead and Muse are actually good at music (and it sounds like Radiohead is contributing an original song, dunno if Muse is). I don't want to have to get the soundtrack to a sparkly vampire movie!

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 03:33:54 GMT

Dear Radiohead,

You're a popular band. I appreciate that you don't want to go into the studio to record a full album, that's cool. I can also understand just releasing whatever songs you've got ready, that's cool too. Hell, I'm glad, because I like your music and don't want to wait several years for more of it (even if I didn't like your last album). I also get that you want to release songs in new and inventive ways, that's fantastic!

But please, PLEASE, get your servers in order before you release your next free song! I wants it, but can't get on your site, and that sucks.

-Citric

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 00:15:46 GMT

If you're looking for something English that you've heard of on Movies at Random, you're going to have to wait until week after next, since there's one fantastic Brazilian movie on one day and one terrible Korean one on the other. For the latter, I'll simply say that a lack of subtlety utterly killed the Korean entry.

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 02:45:02 GMT

It's interesting that Homestar Runner has managed to make pretty much the perfect cut down of "indie" films.

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 04:52:17 GMT

Bought the Johnny Cash autobiography. Very conversational, that's a pretty good thing.

I also bought the book Blindness, because the guy who directed City of God made a movie based on it. Haven't seen the movie though.

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 01:33:26 GMT

The Cowboy Junkies cover of Don't Want to be a Soldier.

At first you think it's an country-ish version of a John Lennon song, and that's alright. I mean, I like that kind of thing, and it's late on the album so it seems to fit the general Cowboy Junkies style.

Then they come in with the RAP VERSES.

It's about 20 times worse than you imagine, though I imagine some light familiarity with the Cowboy Junkies may be required to understand just how terrible it is. It's on the Early 21st Century Blues album.

The Oscars.

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 05:26:18 GMT

Were terrible.

Not disputing the winners - I can't, didn't see...any of them yet. I'll catch them on DVD I swear - but the show itself was just awful. Bad writing, bad reading, bad montages, bad musical numbers and bad direction. Bad, bad, bad. And it was going to commercial more than something that goes to commercial a lot. I've never gotten so sick of an Oscar telecast before. And I watch almost every year!

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 02:43:32 GMT

So anyway, with MaR, I know about a week in advance what the next week's movies are going to be, unless there's a postal tragedy or something. So, next Thursday, people will be able to see me ruining all of my nerd cred and admitting that I hadn't seen any movies in a popular nerd series until...last year. Even worse, the particular nerd movie in question I hadn't seen until...sometime between now and next Thursday.

Feel free to guess the series in question!

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 23:10:43 GMT

If I do a very negative review of a fairly well regarded recent film, what does that say?

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 19:51:06 GMT

Three things:

1: New A Camp album, and if you have an extreme crush on Nina Persson like I do, that's extremely exciting.

2: Guess what's up on Thursday for Movies at Random? It's this. Note the screenwriter. I am excited.

3: Have you ever wanted a picture of a rusty old car to hang on your wall? Specifically one I took? Then buy one here. I don't actually make very much money in the deal, but hey, can't hurt.

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 03:53:08 GMT

In news unrelated to anything, I'm watching the Beatles Anthology for some reason, and now I think maybe I should listen to the Beatles more. So many good songs.

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 02:13:54 GMT

If you are reading this and remember back when I did random movie reviews and sort of liked them, be sure to go here on Tuesday:

http://moviesatrandom.blogspot.com

Maybe I'll keep updating it! The first entry is about Hitler, prompted by the movie Downfall. The second one will likely have nothing to do with Hitler, though I have yet to watch the movie.

I blame specific_chris for inspiring me with his Album du Jour

Meme Time: Movie soundtrack random track thingy.

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 20:58:57 GMT

If your life were a movie, what would the soundtrack be?

1. Open your music library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every category (see below), type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.

[I vaguely recall doing something similar to this before, but I don't care if I did, and nooooobody reads this anyway]

Opening credits: vs. Boss - Tower of Duruga Soundtrack.

I didn't know I had this, but hey it works, exciting and dramatic and all that crap. I could see credits to this.

Waking Up: Milkwood Blues - The Coral

I suppose this works as well, it has a good tempo for waking up and wandering around and doin' stuff. I like the Coral. Hooray for me.

First Day of School: Dirty Boots - Sonic Youth

This sort of sets up school slightly more exciting than it probably was, but I guess in fiction you're allowed liberties. Maybe it works for a montage or something? I don't know.

Falling in Love: Photograph - Ringo Starr

Shut up this song is awesome. Maybe not so much appropriate for falling in love, more like falling out of it, but hell, it's close, isn't it?

First Love Song: Can Still See the Light - LET THE WINDS BLOW Phantasy Star something or other.

This works. It's all lovely and slow and can work with romancing. Not sure I like the song necessarily, but I don't hate it either. With a good camera it would make a good scene. Though I think it has whale calls in it, which could be considered unorthodox.

Breaking Up: Peaceful Days - Chrono Trigger.

This is too damn pleasant for breaking up, isn't it?

Prom: All Neon Like - Bjork

Where I'm from, there aren't really proms, so this wouldn't exactly be in a movie about my life, and even if it did I have a funny feeling Bjork likely wouldn't have figured highly into one of those.

Mental Breakdown: Ooo-Wee - Ringo Starr

The SECOND Ringo Starr song to show up. I suppose if I were to have a mental breakdown, doing it to Ringo Star would be highly appropriate and entertaining. So yes, I like this.

Driving: Drunk and Hot Girls - Kanye West

This is a good driving song, though this movie this meme is constructing is really long and sort of nonsensical. Regardless, I would so drive around to this. It even has lyrics about driving around town! Yes!

Flashback: Lee #2 (demo) - Sonic Youth

What am I flashing back to now? Maybe school, since that was associated with Sonic Youth earlier. Whatever, I'd hate to be the guy writing this convoluted script, at least. Good song though, nice instrumental.

Getting Back Together: Moonlight Tango - Dark Chronicle Premium Arrange

I suppose I get back together with the person above during a dance? That works. Don't like this song too much (probably will delete it in the near future), but I DO like the idea of rekindling romance with a tango.

Wedding: Has he got a friend for me? - Richard and Linda Thompson

Love this song. Not wedding material (if you're all alone on a Saturday, you're not at a wedding), but I do love this song.

Birth of Child: Hold Hands and Fight - Rosebuds

I love this song too! I can sort of see childbirth to this. Well, a rush to the hospital maybe, a bit of a montage, something like that. The lyrics almost work for that, if you're trying really hard to justify them.

Final Battle: The Great Gambler - Bombay the Hard Way

Who the hell am I battling? This movie makes no sense! And this song would be highly inappropriate for any battle, being that it's sort of slow and relaxing, and more suited to sitting around drinking or doing some totally sweet and relaxed gambling (hence the title). Maybe it introduces a great gambler, who I have to fight for some reason?

Death: EZLA - The Folk Implosion

Oh noes, it appears I've lost and am dead. This actually kind of works, lyrics wise, though it doesn't sound like a good song for a big emotional scene. Maybe post death reflecting on life?

Funeral: (Ain't that) Good News - Sam Cooke

Fuck you WMP.

End Credits: Muddy Hymnal - Iron and Wine

I often wonder why I have stuff like this lying around, but for some reason I like it a good percentage of the time. Bad, bad end credits music, going on the theory that end credits should wake up people who have fallen asleep in the theater.

In the end, very good soundtrack to a movie, though the scenes I was given didn't make any sense at all in that order.

Because I really should use this for something, another ongoing series which might not last.

citric___acid@hotmail.com — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 04:51:45 GMT

The last ongoing series I tried to introduce went bust before I made a single entry. Oh well! Let's try again.

This one? Game Soundtrack Cover Art Revue! The idea behind this one is that I wonder what someone would think of most game soundtracks if they saw their covers in the stores. They usually go through an effort to look less game-y than they are, and often give little clue as to what you're going to get when you finally play them. So, given that I haven't heard most of them, and am fascinated by cover art in general, here's the first in a series that I'll try to do every day, before losing interest and doing other, more interesting things.

(All cover art stolen from Chudah's Corner, but hosted elsewhere.)

I would also like to say that while I am familiar with some of this stuff, I'm really not that familiar with most of it, and I think going in blind helps a bit.

...summer

What I see: A quick look makes it look relatively harmless, just being anime girlies groovin' to music of some kind. But just look at the two girls in the background and their dead, dead eyes. They're both on freaking drugs! The girl on the left is clearly on methamphetamines of some sort, and the one on the right? Probably heroin. And given how empty and stunned the girl in the headphones is, the red-eyed girl isn't letting her listen to the newest track off some kickass album, but is giving her a hit of something. I bet she's feeding all of these girls drugs in order to keep her under her command, before she's got a harem of bitches, farming them out on the street to sell crack or themselves, and rolling in the money. That bitch.

What I expect to hear: Extremely, and I mean extremely, cloying and happy bubblegum pop, probably in Japanese. Also, probably subliminally encouraging drug use in little girls.

Would I buy this album based on this cover? Hells no.